By Blue-Ferret

Out and about.

Making this post from Kiki's house since I'm here and we're relaxing. Taking a look at the things going on after the last year we've come a long way. Both of us.

Kiddo started preschool this year and is making head way with that. She's looking forward to starting school in the fall and we're talking about lots of that kind of stuff. She's making good headway into expressing herself and into telling me what happens during any given day. We haven't had any lieing yet, which I've seen develop in some of my friend's kids. She's still not wholly comfortable playing outside or that much with other kids, but I'm hoping to see that develop over the next couple years. She's really good at keeping herself busy with less toys. Which I've really appreciated.

Right now her facination with Cars, Dolls and Star Wars has been enough for me. She's enjoyed watching me play my new game and has kept calm and relaxed with her baby dolls when we play together. She's also looking forward to show and share this week. She'll be sharing about our crested gecko (Rhacodactylus ciliatus) Canela. It'll be interesting. I'm looking forward to our time at preschool together. :3

I've been working on my diet as well and it's been going, I'm back down to the weight I started at in 2010. This makes me happy. I'm hoping to get down even further this year, but I have a long way to go. One of my big goals is to get down to a size 20/22 so that I can fit into the special thing I bought last year.

My little progressive goals:
30lbs: Fit into the thing I bought last year
50lbs: Get the tatoo put on that I commissioned in 2007
70lbs: Get the Dog I always wanted
100lbs: Take a trip to the place we wanted to go to.

I need to really focus on these things. It's going to be a lot of fun getting there and I'm really grateful for all the support from my friends and family. (Even though sometimes I can't stand my family's style of support.) I just have to keep working towards it and getting to that point. Don't celebrate the fact that I'm working towards my goals, celebrate the loss that I've already made. 10lbs down from my starting weight! Whoo!!

Let's see where this year takes us.


Ever been just so overwhelmingly frustrated?

Yeah, that's me today.

So this weekend I'm going to be overnighting in the hospital. Not an uncommon occurrence for me, I'm used to it, it's just another thing I have to deal with. I schedule these appointments specifically on Fridays so that my mom can look after my kid while I'm in. Usually this isn't a problem, we know a month to two weeks in advance of when I'll be in overnight. I'd told her last month when I went in that I would be having one this weekend. She wrote it on her calender.

And then, New year's happened, and she threw that Calender out.
And promptly forgot about my appointment.

Hell, to be honest, I only remembered this week when they called me to make sure I was ready for this weekend's overnight. Whoops. So I tried calling her wednesday and went straight to voicemail. Left a message that she needed to call me. Thursday rolls around and she calls me in the evening. We talk for a bit and I go, "So, you still cool to babysit this friday while I'm at the hospital?"

"Oh! I wish you'd told me sooner, we're skiing this weekend."
"...I did tell you sooner, I told you last month, the last time I was there."

"Well, you can't expect me to remember unless I write it on the calender."
"You did."

"No I didn't. Not on the new one at least." at this point I'm thinking, 'you didn't think to move it over when you transferred all your other dates?!'

We bickered back and forth for a bit about it. She's adamant that she's going skiing this weekend (even though she spend thursday in bed, with the flu) finally she asked me to make other arrangements. Church friends, neighborhood people, my other furry friend parents in town. I turned to her and said, "Fine, I'll make a post on facebook asking if anyone is free to take her." Honestly, it IS the fastest way, but then she caught on.

"You can't tell people that I'm skiing though, tell them I have the flu."
"why? That IS what you're doing."
"Well, if I'm still feeling this sick, I'll just stay home with her. Maybe Mikky (my sister) could watch her for the night at your place. "
"Whatever Mom, I'll look for other arrangements."

to be honest, I didn't call anyone before she called me back letting me know that my Dad had said that the Monster could go with them. So now I have to pack all the clothes n stuff. Her parting words, "Be here by 3 so I can check over her clothes and make sure everything is good enough."

I called her a few minutes ago and got updated. I'm now to be there for 4 o'clock. Before I get there I need to run all over town and collect (1) Fleece Sweater from Nana's and (1) Full size toboggan from my Auntie Shannon's.
I also need to make sure I have:
(3) Sweaters
(2) Sets of pyjamas
(2) Short sleeved Shirts
(2) Long sleeve shirts
(4) Pants
(4)+ Socks
(4)+ Underwear
(1) Bathing suit.
(She is going for 2 days...)

Good thing I look at life like a video game. Time to start questing.
By Blue-Ferret

Starting off a New Year

I seem to go through spurts of enjoying my livejournal and neglecting it, so for now, I am back! Really... maybe..

Okay so the new year started off with a bang!

Rift didn't end up making it out, which from thursday through saturday seriously bummed me out. I couldn't really get to feeling good about anything until we were on our way to our party. I will admit to having a grand ol time with good friends, good food and good company.

Sunday was still a good day with coffee and friends and relaxing. We chilled out and enjoyed the quiet time. I was still a little bummed out but spent most of the evening on skype with Rift so it made it better, at least we had some quality time, if over the internet.

Then the week happened. I'm not going to go into details but it was stressful and I wish I'd taken my initiative instead of pulling my brain e-brake. I should have just gone for it, but I hesitated and stopped myself. Regardless, it is what it is. I was grateful to finally get to talk to Rift's Brother and Sister-in-Law. They were both very encouraging and I am so happy to finally have spoken with them. I had a great talk with Shannon and we seem to get along well!

Then yesterday when things were finally calming down I had Lucid over and we spent some time together going for a walk, making dinner and making a table. I honestly thought we'd have the table built by the time I was done cooking dinner. Turns out I'm better/faster at cooking than Lucid is at putting up a kitchen table.

"Diligent fox is diligent"

"This is delicious chair, must ohm nom nom"

Gush gush gush

So things are chuggling along in my life. It seems as though everything has stabilized again in my life and I'm hoping not to have too many curveballs thrown my way for the rest of the year.

Dragonrift and I are doing well (He's my crush btw, if you didn't know!) The boyfriend status is sitting nicely with me and though I have had to tell a couple people off about boundaries, I think I have set myself up where I feel safe and secure in my relationships and self-worth. It's all coming together slowly.

I've made a couple new friends in the last month. Sarah is my next door neighbor, and she is phenominal. She's a bad-girl turned christian and we relate in a lot of ways as to how we came to find Christ and God and all the wonders of having a supportive church family and strong christian base. It's nice to have someone who understands sin, and forgiveness and opening your mind to something more powerful than yourself and just surrendering yourself to that power and watching the good things happen around you. (Okay, I'm done with talking about God here) It's just been such a relief to find someone in the church who I can be open about being a furry with, even the ADULT stuff. She's cool with it and it hasn't colored her opinion of me because I am still the young mom she knows, I'm still the nice person she met at the park. This is life, and life is messy and complicated.

Kyle, who I knew from the comic book store, has become a closer friend too. I don't know how to deal with his sudden bouts of depression but I understand where he's coming from. I've been there (still am there from time to time) thinking about my "useful" nature and what I want to do for the rest of my life. I like to think that being a housewife, artist, mom and eventually something else is in my future, I just don't know what that something-else is. Kyle likes to throw it back at me that he doesn't even have a hobby like art to fall back on as a source of income and it's a point of awkwardness between us. I've been there, at that useless stage and thought those thoughts. There is no escaping the cyclic nature of those thoughts. I just wish I knew how I could help him without coming across as condecending or without him throwing my work back in my face.

Aside from all this, I've taken Monster to the Children's center in the city. We got her vision tested again and she really didn't want to be involved so she scored poorly. 20/1000 where she had on her best days been a 20/680, which isn't so bad. She's beginning to identify colors more so they're pretty sure she doesn't have what her father has. And Dr.Matsuba is still convinced she has Leber's even though the genetic tests have come back with no results. 

Monster did okay as well with her speech pathology meet up. She's about a year behind her sighted peers in terms of proper communication but everyone around her sees her making leaps and bounds. She can now hold her own in a conversation and has finally started the "why" game. It's a vital part of growing up and beginning to understand how the world works. If you ever get caught with her in the why game the easiest way to end it is with "why not?" I can't wait till she finds her own answers to "why not" I bet it'll blow everyone away.

And that's about it for my life right now, art is flowing steady, I like to think I've helped 'Rift out with his motivation, even if it was only suggesting something that has worked for me. <3 I like helping people, I do, even if I don't always say the right thing.

Now though, I'm going to wait till he gets on AIM, and then head to bed. I am in desperate need of sleep.

By Blue-Ferret

A little disappointed.

I gotta say I'm a bit disappointed.

About november of last year we got Monster in to do some blood work. It was a timed test, rushed. We had to go on Monday and it HAD to be at the lab (in Pennsylvania) on friday. We had to go before 10am to the lab so it could get sent to Vancouver in the same day and get rushed to the states. They told us it would take 6 months. 

We waited.

I'd wondered what had happened. This was the test we had to petition the government for. The one test I had to ask for, for them to cover. It's a $6000 DNA sequence/marker test where I was told we would finally have an answer, finally have determined what Little Girl has.

6 months passed in March, and I asked after the test. No one had heard of it, or if they had, heard from it. I was a little disappointed, but I understand how these things work. 9 months in I was growing impatient, I wanted to know if they'd found anything. This is my little one's health we're talking about, so I started poking people about it.

I finally got a phone call today. Out of the 8 genetic sequences it usually shows up in, they couldn't find any markers. There were more statistics, but sitting on my bed, and asking, "Well... what does this mean then for her diagnosis?"

"With all the clinical symptoms she shows we still assume it's Leber's Congential Amaurosis. There's nothing to say it isn't. When it is easier we will do the full sequence but at this point the technology and resources just aren't there to handle all the raw data and sift through it for the right answers. I'm sorry."

It feels almost like a kick in the stomach. There's just... nothing. All this time, and all the money just to get it where it needed to be, and there's nothing there. She falls into the 40% that have it but it doesn't show up in the tried and true markers. I hate all this medical BS. We have the technology, but no resources, there isn't something that can do it fast and easily. Humans just aren't that simple.

Without a confirmed diagnosis it limits some of what they can do for her. For starts, she won't be able to get into any of the human trials for medicines of procedures that might help down the line. And even then we only have 5 more years until her eyes/brain develop to the point where they are trained in how they see things, the point where even when corrected the brain won't always register the image correctly.

I guess I'm disappointed and frustrated, I waited almost a year to find out everything I already knew. v__v Tomorrow we go to Sunny Hill center and I just don't feel into it. I don't feel like doing this anymore. I want to quit dealing with therapists and doctors. 

But I can't quit. I can't quit because I love her.

First field trip!

My little monster went on her first field trip today! (And I don't have any pictures! D: cause I wasn't there!) They went to a local farm/petting zoo and apparently had a blast!

She couldn't stop talking about it today and I was soooo so happy for her. She got to ride the horse and pet the cows. Haha, she had a blast. There were kittens and Puppies on the farm and one happened to trip and fall down (According to her, I think SHE might have tripped and fallen and is just getting her words mixed up.) She's apparently been talking about it all night.

I say "Apparently" because I went out last night.

Got to spend the evening with the wonderful ladies from my Church group. This is the LAST time we meet before the majority of the women there have had their babies. Little Jen is due in August while Shandra and Jen are due on the 7th! Andrea had her little guy in April (Premature by 2 weeks) I just find myself happy for them and excited about all the babies. >>; I'm too shy to ask Andrea about holding her little one. I want to, but I think I wanna wait till he's older.... GOSH I wanna hold babies. They're so cute and soft and snuggly. Snuggle snuggle snuggle

Annnnyways, so I got back to my folk's place at around 10:15pm and went to go pick up my kid only to realize that everyone was in bed. (oops! Late, I know!) So I let myself in the back way (Secret key!) and was on my way up to pick up little girl to take her home when my mom called me in to talk.

We've been fighting a lot lately. She wants to help me but the only way she knows how to do that is by throwing money at my problems. "Oh, you don't have emotional support, here, I'll pay for you to talk to someone." "Oh, you're feeling left out cause we never take you out with us, here's a weekend at the cabin for free." "Oh, your car isn't working, here, let's look for a new one" (that last one has been a 'promise' for the last 3 years) And it just FRUSTRATES me because I know she can be a better parent than that. I just want her to listen sometimes and no lecture me afterwards. I know I fucked up with Kevin, with Dave, with every other man in my life, I don't need to you keep ramming it down my throat woman!

We talked about relationships and she told me I shouldn't settle, that I shouldn't give up. She tells me I should go to work and meet a man there (I still haven't told her about my Crush) and how much better off I'll be when I'm working. I told her today about all the appointments coming up and how I didn't feel that I could work all the time and still be an effective parent. I have too many meetings. I have meetings fairly regularily with Pediatricians, Pediatric Ophthalmologists, Speech pathologists, Physiotherapists, Child development workers and now my own specialists too. (The lost IUD and Sleep Doctor.) I just have way too much on my plate to worry about working right now.

I stayed and we talked for more than an hour. It was good for the most part, getting some stuff off my chest, telling her how I felt about our family, about my Dad. Everything like that. I do love my Dad, he's an amazing guy. I don't want my mom and Dad to break up after my sisters are grown, and I'm really proud of them for going to counseling together, I hope the best for them.

After all was said and done I packed kiddo up and my sister came out to help me with carrying some stuff out (Clothes, toys etc.) Mom went back to bed and Mik (The older one) and I stood outside talking for a bit.  I told her about my Crush and she's excited for me. Haha, in her own way I suppose. I talked to her about him for a bit and she said to me, "He sounds really good on paper. Wait till you meet him, then tell me how you feel and then /I/ have to meet him and I'll tell you if he's okay or not." So apparently my crush needs my sister's approval. As she put it, "I want an AWESOME brother-in-law, cause you deserve it." Mik and I fight on and off, some days she's this phenomenally kind, sweet person and then other days (when she doesn't get her way) she's a vindictive little c-u-....b-i-t-c-h. Seriously, sometimes I can't stand her, but for the most part she's pretty awesome.

Anyways I drove home and sat outside for 10 minutes just thinking to myself.  It was good to have some quiet relaxing time with nothing going on. Now though, it's bedtime. It's good to have written this all out again. Forgot how much I sometimes need to put my thoughts on paper.
By Blue-Ferret

QCD Commissions Poll :D

Edit: You are welcome to select more than one answer! :D Have fun voting! 
Poll #1747402 QCD Themes 1
This poll is closed.

Which theme would you like to purchase most for QCD Commissions

At the Beach
Early Morning Coffee shop
Family Portraits
Gender Swapping
1940s Movie Glamour
Prom/Spring Formal
Vintage Soda Shoppe
Film Noir

Dreaming of the Apocalypse again

I just had another night mare. It started as a trailer for tranformers 3 and optimus emerged from this pile of scrap metal. He had no recollection of me, no recollection of the man with me. And he decided to go on a bit of a rampage. We tried to follow him buy he moved too fast.

Somehow we ended up in a university dorm for anthropology students and were discussing the implications of a giant killer robot on the loose when absolutely everything stopped working. Power, Internet, everything went. We piled into our cars and went to visit someone who knew more (the dean, the mayor?) and he told us we should head for Edmonton. 

We stole a small 20 seater jet and took off from where we were I'm Washington. On our way to edmonton I begged for them to stop so I could see my nana. The apocalypse hadnt hit there yet. The Internet was down but her phone/power still worked.

I begged her to come with but she declined but she told me to take her friend. She could help us, teach us and guide the next generation into the future. So we took her friend and raced back to the plane. We'd brought two vehicles and we completely drained them of their gasoline before getting into the plane. 

Just as we began to take off the panic we had left in Washington picked up in Chilliwack and we had to go. There was a riot as we were leaving but we turned the nose if the plane northeast and didn't look back.

We arrived in Edmonton to see it post-apocalypse. The riots had happened, people had fled. We stole a couple cars, stole some fuel and got underway. 

We were doing pretty good until we had to offside through the Edmonton river valley, down that steep hill coming down from the university, the one with the hairpin curve in it. Something went wrong with one of the cars. We were struggling with what to fo when Nikki, Sixel's friend pipes up, "it's shit like this that brings out my better personality" she got us going again through the snow drifts 

We finally made it down town and sought out the building the mayor/dean/authority guy had told us about. We found it but it was guarded, heavily. There were tons of armed men all over the place, outside, on the wall, on opposite buildings... They asked us who we were and we told them. Initially they denied us but the guy who I was with (I know who it is now! Matt!) told them it had been us who initially witnessed the rise of the killer robot. They radio'd someone and got the go ahead to let is in. 

We went in and made it past the lobby and understood immediately why they had so many guards. The stockpiled non-perishable warehouse would be enough for a hundred people to rebuild and maybe start a farming colony or something. 

We were "shopping" for something to eat when I woke up... Had to write this down before I lost it.